THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS?<\/p>\n
Author: I. M. Anonymous<\/p>\n
12 \/14\/2014\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 My Dearest Love:\u00a0 How can I ever express my undying love in reciprocation for your exquisite gift on this our first Christmas apart. You have surpassed the gift of Life itself with the unique selection of the most unusual expression of our mutual love: a partridge in a pear tree!<\/p>\n
12\/15\/2014\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 My Dearest:\u00a0 You are simply too much! I can hardly believe my good fortune in having such a thoughtful spouse. Imagine\u2014two turtle doves! They compliment the partridge so well.<\/p>\n
12\/16\/2014\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Dearest:\u00a0 Ah, how beautiful. Three French hens. What can I say? They are exquisite and beautiful. The neighborhood children love them, but they have to be aware of the cats.<\/p>\n
12\/17\/2014\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Lover:\u00a0 Thanks for the four calling birds. Imagine my surprise when I arrived home and saw them on the doorstep. You\u2019re too sweet\u2014really! I spent the whole night building cages for all these birds in the backyard\u2026 Gotta get some sleep.<\/p>\n
12\/18\/2015\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Honey:\u00a0 Wow! Five gold rings! Now you\u2019re getting with it; a great change of pace. To be perfectly honest, I was afraid the postman would be bringing another package with air holes in it. Ha! Ha! Anyhow, the gold rings are very nice and will come in quite handy should gold continue to rise in value and I have to visit the pawnshop after our usual Christmas spending splurge.<\/p>\n
12\/19\/2014\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Dear Mabel:\u00a0 Honey, I know you mean well\u2014and don\u2019t think I don\u2019t appreciate you thinking of me through this gift-giving\u2014but what\u2019s with these six geese a-laying! Babe, we don\u2019t need anymore eggs! And the geese won\u2019t fit in the cages I built for the other birds, so they\u2019re strutting all around the house, messing and laying more eggs everywhere. By the way, one took a swim in the toilet, got stuck, and the kids tried to get him out by flushing the toilet, which clogged it up, so I had to call a plumber in the middle of the night. He said he\u2019d give me a Christmas discount, so his services only cost $999.99. Also, the neighbors are starting to complain about all the bird noise. The animal control people have been by twice and gave me a warning ticket.<\/p>\n
12\/20\/2014\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Mabel:\u00a0 Enough already! Seven swans a-swimming? I haven\u2019t gotten the other birds\u2019 situation resolved and in come these huge, nasty birds. Do you expect me to build a pond for them out back? Meanwhile they\u2019re in the house, fighting with the geese, and there\u2019s feathers and bird poop all over the place. Any more birds and you and I have had it!<\/p>\n
12\/21\/2014\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Ah Love: Thanks until the end of time for stopping the birds! I couldn\u2019t have taken it any more. Now, the eight maids a-milking are very nice\u2014and very pretty too. And one keeps making passes at me, and it\u2019s becoming increasingly difficult to remember my marriage vows. I keep thinking about harems.\u00a0 But pray tell, dear love of mine, where do I keep all those milk cows? I\u2019ve got two in the front yard and six in the back. I tried to sell them first, but couldn\u2019t find a buyer. Then I tried to give them away, but who wants a cow? Finally, I had to have our property fenced in at a cost of $12,398.99. The health department called and said they\u2019d be here tomorrow.<\/p>\n
12\/22\/2014\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Woman:\u00a0 Nine ladies dancing? Nice idea\u2014if you own a dance studio. Where, pray tell, can they dance around here without stepping in something. Of, course, they all needed dance partners, a dance hall, and a band for music, at $1500.00 per night. Babe, I\u2019m beginning to doubt if you really love me after all.<\/p>\n
12\/23\/2014\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Dear Hopeless Stranger:\u00a0 I can\u2019t believe it! Ten lords a-leaping! What\u2019s wrong with you? Why didn\u2019t you send them with the nine ladies a-dancing yesterday, before I shelled out all that dough for escorts and the band? They all refused to stay in this messy house, so I had to put them up in the Ritz Carlton. And believe me, I\u2019m not sure about those lords a-leaping. What kind of guys are they, anyway? What\u2019s going on in that brain of yours? Have you become a man-hater? Do you hate me? If so, the feeling is mutual. Things got so out of control around here I had to call the vice squad, and they finally hauled them all off to the funny farm. I had to do some powerful talking to keep them from taking me too.<\/p>\n
12\/24\/2014\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Alien Woman: It\u2019s Christman Eve, a time for serenity and reflection, and what do I get today: eleven, loud pipers piping. Not one Christmas Carol did they play\u2014only Amazing Grace, over and over and over again! I finally got so exhausted with them that I filled all their fifes up with soapy water when they were on break, and you should have seen all the bubbles. It looked like Lawrence Welk\u2019s bubble machine was out of control!<\/p>\n
12\/25\/2014\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Dear Ex-Wife:\u00a0 Finally, it\u2019s over! With the twelve drummers drumming, in concert with the pipers piping, I could take it no more. You\u2019ll receive the divorce papers soon. My lawyer says I have a foolproof case: I\u2019ll keep the kids, and you\u2019ll get the house and all this menagerie you\u2019ve sent me. The only thing further I have to say is, \u201cSorry, Jesus\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS? Author: I. M. Anonymous 12 \/14\/2014\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 My Dearest Love:\u00a0 How can I ever express my undying love in reciprocation for your exquisite gift on this our first Christmas apart. You have surpassed the gift of … Continue reading