by Joe Wilkins

Copyright © 2014

Golfers have many ways of expressing themselves about their shotmaking during a round of golf. They typically make remarks about their playing companion’s efforts as well as themselves, usually in good, friendly spirits. These expressions encourage the joy and frustration of the game—which is why we play!

Enjoy and use the following during your times on the course.

1) “ A Bobby Darin,” or a “Splish Splash.” Either of these expressions is for any shot that goes into the water, suggested by Bobby’s hit song of the ‘60’s.

2) “A Gregory Peck,” or “On the Beach.” For any ball hit into a sand trap, suggested by the nuclear holocaust movie of the 60’s, starring Peck and Ava Gardner. Lady golfers are free to call such shots an “Ava” if they so desire.

3) “Callaway Went Thataway.” This expression is suitable for all golfers using Callaway golf balls when they hit their ball in the woods, out of bounds, or any other undesirable place. This expression comes from the title of the movie of 1951, staring Fred McMurray and Howard Keel.

4) “A Clint Eastwood,” or a “Rawhide.” This is generally suitable for any putt that rolls too far past the hole. It is usually accompanied by the golfer either humming or singing softly to the theme of the 60’s TV show “Rawhide,” starring Clint Eastwood: “Rolling, rolling, rolling. Watch that golf ball rolling. Stop your maddening rolling—Rawhide! As golfers we are tightening, when the greens are like lightning. Will the greenskeeper soon be by our side? Don’t try to understand them, especially when they sand them. And always keep your putter by your side. Line ‘em up, putt ‘em out, give a shout—Rawhide!” If you can’t remember this whole ditty, then the first three words are sufficient.

5) “ A Roland Young,” or a “Topper.” This is for any grossly topped shot that pounds into the earth. Named after the title character in the movie “Topper,” 1937.

6) “An Arbuckle.” For any shot hit fat. Named after the fat character actor, Fatty Arbuckle, in early Hollywood.

7) “ An Arnold Palmer.” For any shot resulting in a huge, wet divot. Palmer was famous for divots that had to replaced using a shovel and wheelbarrow. (Just kidding!) Ladies will seldom use this term, because such divots are usually produced by marginally talented, macho, male golfers who insist on playing from the championship tees, but with less than Arnold Palmer results!

8) “ A Captain Hook.” For any severely hooked shot. Especially useful at seaside courses when the ball is hooked into the ocean.

9) “ A Hurricane.” Especially appropriate when the golfer swings extra hard and misses the ball entirely, creating a breeze on the tee. A loud whoosh is accepted if a breeze is not felt.

10) “You hit the big ball first!” Referring to your opponent hitting the planet Earth before hitting the ball. This can be used instead of “An Arbuckle,” if you do not wish to offend your companion because of his or her girth.

11) “I’m glad that ball was painted!” This is used when the ball is barely skimmed when struck, resulting in a shot that is only slightly better than a vigorously topped one.

12) “Not enough bacon in that sandwich!” or “Not enough meat on that bone!” or “Needed one more spoon of oatmeal!” These phrases are appropriate for putts that are agonizingly just short of going in the hole.

13) “Need to switch to decaf!” For a putt that is yipped, jerkily stroked, or blasted past the hole.

14) “A Shirley Temple.” For a putt that is too delicately stroked and is very short of the hole. Especially appropriate for women golfers.

15)” A bacon strip.” A description for a well struck ball from the turf, with minimal or no divot. Jack Nicklaus was famous for these.

16) “ A Jeff Chandler or a Rod Steiger.” Named after two actors who were notorious for overacting. They can be used to describe the behavior of golfers who overly emote after hitting a bad shot.

17) “ Diversity Man (or Woman).” Used to describe the golfer who is continually changing his swing, seeking the holy grail of golf, namely par. After a while, the continuous changing often becomes an obsession. Since there are millions of golf swing variables that can be used, these golfers need our prayers for a task that will never be completed.

18) “Regurgitation Man (or Woman).” This accurately describes those golfers who recount every shot of their just completed round to all who will listen. Their diatribes usually occur on the 19^th hole. These folks have excellent memories for things that do not matter, but will probably forget your name or to pay the bar tab.

19) “ Fruit of the Doom.” A sliced or banana ball, the bane of most golfers.

20) “That ball ran over the cellophane bridge!” For a ball that rolls over the cup, when the golfer can see no reason why it shouldn’t have gone in.

21) “Going squirrel hunting?” To be asked of your partner when he hits one into the trees.

22) “A Martin.” For a putt that’s very short of the hole. Named after the Saturday Night Live actor, Martin Short, whose last name accurately describes his height.

23) “A Humperdinck.” For a description of the golfer who freezes and does not release his hands properly at impact, resulting in a shot that goes way right (or left for southpaws). Named in honor of Ingelbert’s popular song, “Release Me,” the first line of which is “Please release me, let me go…”

In conclusion, you golfers out there have heard many other expressions appropriate to this game we all love. Creative use of them—and in good spirits—makes this game even more enjoyable.