What’s Wrong With Tiger?

By Joe Wilkins

Today I had a very interesting conversation with a golfing friend of mine, Punny Brittane. Like this writer, Punny is getting up in years, and no longer hits the ball as far or scores as low as he used to. But we both can still play a fair game, with occasional scores in the high 70’s, with Puny doing it more frequently than me. Today, February 25, is quite cold in Atlanta, so, instead of playing,  when we ran into each other at our golf course, Mystery Valley, in Lithonia, Georgia, we spent a couple of hours socializing.

As these things usually go, we eventually began to speculate about Tiger Wood’s game. It is evident to all, that Tiger is struggling with his game as never before, and such problems remind us of ourselves. It is an axiom of the game, that most golfers always wish they could do better, ignoring that their score on any particular day is the best that was possible at that time. It is what it is!

Punny and I finally concluded that when people take up golf for the first time, they are “blessed” with a certain level of natural ability–which varies quite widely among participants. Some people become quite skilled quickly, with others not doing so well, but they all perform initially at levels commensurate with abilities, dictated by height, weight, strength, coordination, temperament, sense of rhythm, and whatever else our DNA has given us.  And it is quite clear that Tiger got a full share of all the above.

Additionally, it is important at what age the person takes up the game. If a young golfer gets good instruction early, practices under professional supervision, likes the game, then he maximizes the abilities he was born with. However, if he takes up the game later in life, even if he is possessed with good abilities, he will likely not be able to develop as well as the younger phenom.

In any event, no matter what swing he winds up with, that swing becomes “his swing,” and once it becomes programmed in his brain and muscles, he is pretty much stuck with it for the rest of his life. And hopefully it will be a good swing, with which he will be pleased, because it cannot be changed without monumental effort, which most golfers cannot and will not do.

Given all this, Punny and I concluded that Tiger had a great swing when he first came on tour, as evidenced by the many tournaments he immediately started winning. So good was he with his total game, that he was immediately compared with the greats of the past. And he was that good! However, we concluded that he soon made a major mistake. Deep within his psyche, there was this demand to be even better–or, even perfect. Yes, Tiger was searching for the perfect swing, which we contend is an impossible task. So, after a couple of years, he began fooling around with his swing, which, fortunately, due to obsessive dedication, instruction, and practice, served him well. However, Puny and I contend that he did not do any better than he would have if he had left well enough alone and stuck with the swing that he first brought to the tour.

Eventually he got too obsessive with swing methods and theories, switched to instructors who initially bought into his Quixotic goals, and, perhaps, they too believed that the perfect swing was attainable. Tiger certainly kept on winning at a record pace, and it was predicted that he would exceed Nicklaus’ major wins easily, so it was easy to believe that he could achieve such a goal. But, alas, it is now clear that such achievement is no longer possible, due to physical injuries and growing older. There also also also may well be psychological issues, as reflected through his marital and other personal problems.

So where does that leave Tiger? Well, Punny and I are presumptive enough to offer him some suggestions. First, we think he needs to rediscover that swing he had before coming on tour. Learning-theory principles show that the old swing is still in him, and, rather than let its old memory traces inhibit any new swing changes, go ahead and make friends with it again. So, he needs to disregard all those methods that no longer work, and get his mind returned to where it was when he first came on tour. This will require acceptance,  some memory work recalling his old swing, and freeing up his “spirit.” As he goes about this process, he will soon learn that he will be unable to recapture his old swing exactly as it used to be, because of injuries and aging, which will dictate some needed modifications, but these changes should only be those which will complement the touch and feel of the old swing. An example would be, that since he has had spinal surgery, he will not be able to take the club back as far as he used to, so just let the club go where it will, while feeling in his mind the swing of his youth. The body, with its limited flexibility, will only go where it can, just let it go where it will, while keeping the feel of the  old swing.

To sum up, the “natural”  swing we are born with–or the one that was developed in our youth (hopefully under the guidance of an expert)–is the one we are stuck with the rest of our lives. Tiger seeks perfection in his golf swing, but he listens to too many different expert’s opinions as to how to achieve it. He needs to listen only to himself at this point in his life. He got all the instruction he needed when he was a youth, and he should surrender to that reality and quit trying to change something that resists changing;  instead, nurture  and accept it as a friend. To quote Catholic priest, Father David Rider, “If you are who you should be, you’ll set the world ablaze.” All striving, amateur golfers know that their basic swing rarely abandons them. And remember, golf is not a game of perfect!

FORE

Joe Wilkins, Copyright © 2014

“I don’t know why anyone plays such a silly game! All you do is knock a little ball around in a field until you get it in a hole. What’s the big thrill about that?”

Sound familiar, golfers? If your spouse has never sung that tune, then likely some of your non-golfing friends have—even if they have not said it to you personally. Most non-golfers have trouble seeing the passion we golfers have about the game. Pars, birdies, tees, bogies, drivers—these terms are as obscure as Sanskrit to them. That first Scottish shepherd who obsessively whacked rocks around the pasture with his shepherd’s crook, trying to knock them into rabbit holes, probably caught hell from his wife for ignoring her and the children and being late for his suppertime haggis.

Even today, many golfers suffer that shepherd’s plight, having difficulty explaining to outsiders the true significance of the game. Non-golfers often view golfers as a strange breed of masochists—trudging around hilly fields, carrying heavy golf bags on their backs, riding in funny looking vehicles, whacking balls, and cursing when their shots go astray. At least the professional golfers they occasionally see on television have a bit more credibility, because they are paid for their efforts.

What many do not know is that most pros play the game for the same reasons that amateurs do—they love the game! Touring pro, Hubert Green, has said he would rather practice than play—and they do not offer prize money for practice. Ben Hogan said in his book that he could not wait for the sun to come up each day so he could get to the practice tee. And Arnold Palmer has exalted how thrilling it was to get on the course to break in a new pair of golf shoes! After five decades of competition, long after he was regularly  winning tournaments and the cash window was closed, old age had to drag Sam Snead out of competition. Like our Scottish shepherd, these men obviously played for reasons than ran deeper than money alone. Moreover, the “fresh air-sunshine-beautiful scenery-companionship” theory of why people play golf is an incomplete explanation. There is a principle of psychology that recognizes that people engage in activities they are good at, but, paradoxically, golf attracts people of all degrees of skill.

Thus, psychology might offer some answers for golfers’ persistence for the game, but we are seeking reasons that are more satisfying—rising into the rarified airs of the philosophical and somewhat spiritual realms of this great game. Since most serious golfers are homespun philosophers anyway—especially at the 19^th hole—the following discourse should not prove alien.

This leads to the central point: People play golf because it helps them find meaning in their lives. Golf continually affirms them as suffering, struggling, striving humans, who are pulled back to the golf course time after time in efforts to complete themselves as human beings. Through the playing of golf one can feel—like viewing a dramatic movie or play—what it is to be an active, participating person in the game of life in general.  A round of golf is like life in miniature, condensed into eighteen holes, during which one will run the gamut of difficult, life-like experiences, with many opportunities for each golfer to “test one’s self by fire.” Though all sports offer these dimensions, it is reasoned that golf does it best.

In this essay, we will look at five areas covering our discussion: Simplicity, Rules, Etiquette, Difficulty, and Suffering. When one plays a round of golf these concepts combine into a complete physical/mental/social/spiritual experience, which each player subconsciously interprets as meaningful, even when the results are not pleasant. Non-golfers are unaware of this experience, and most golfers are not conscious of it, so there is always the mystery of the game hovering over both sides. However, the 19^th hole usually alleviates the resultant ambiguity.

SIMPLICITY

Golf is a simple game—USGA rules notwithstanding! You take a club—ill designed for the task, according to Winston Churchill—and hit the ball into the hole in as few strokes as possible. You need no other players, officials, or observers: just a club, a ball, and a piece of ground. This simplicity minimizes outside distractions and excuses, forcing the player to focus inwardly on one’s thoughts, feelings, and expectations. If our golfer misses a one-foot putt, it’s hard to blame any outside forces—though some try, which is a special form of denial.

In games such as baseball and football, the player’s attention is constantly directed outward onto other people and objects: there are opponents to beat, officials to argue with, fans to please, managers to impress, and moving balls to handle. Players can easily excuse their poor performance as being caused by things beyond their control. Such excuses as “He’s throwing spitters!”, “That umpire is blind!”, “Ref, that guy was holding!”, “He missed the tag!” are all soothing excuses to players trying to escape individual responsibility by trying to blame others for their poor performances. Bad backs, not feeling well, rotten luck, bad weather, and out-dated clubs are standard excuses also. Nevertheless, the game makes such excuses difficult to justify, because the game’s simplicity offers little rationale for self-deception. A baseball player, who watches a called third strike with the bases loaded, can blame the umpire for missing a close call, but who is Tiger Woods going to blame for a missed two-foot putt to blow the U.S. Open? Simplicity forces the realization that players cause their own failures, leading to struggling and suffering. Thus, golf “offers” a unique opportunity for wrestling with one’s own psyche.

Critics might say that we have no justification for calling golf a simple game when it has the most extensive body of literature of any game. Just look at today’s golf magazines and instructional books, with their countless, differing theories and opinions on the complexities of swing mechanics. Indeed, when physicists analyze the golf swing scientifically, it is shown that the combination of golf shaft flexibility, club head design, ball cover and dimple design, impact dynamics, tempo and timing, among a myriad of other factors, does make the game appear complicated. For example, recent discoveries about sub-atomic particles make for more complexity that we used to know, but even with ignorance of these realities, scientists still invented the atom bomb years ago! So, even if golf does have its complexities, it can be managed by emphasizing those simple factors that matter the most.

There are golfers whose heads are so full of these distracting complexities that they suffer from “paralysis by analysis,” and the pro instructor will usually try to get the student to focus on just a few things that are manageable. From this we can see that the perceived complexity of the game is a reflection of the complicated perceptions and thought processes of the individual’s mind.

RULES

In the beginning, the rules were simpler: put the ball on a pinch of sand, hit it, and do not touch or pick it up until it is in the hole. Such strict rules once made golf a more difficult game than it is today, because it made more demands on the player. This is what some golf purists would have us return to today, but this would not be popular and would hurt participation in the game. In recent years, many exceptions and new rules have been added, with specific drops, relief from casual water, and other compensations, which allow some limited touching of the ball between the tee and the hole.

However, despite this trend of liberalization, golf’s rules still present a firm challenge. First, they are difficult to read and understand. Even many pros do not understand them as thoroughly as they should, so they occasionally have to get help from rules officials during their rounds. But most of the time the golfers are their own referees, with no one checking up on them, the honor system being in full force. If the golfer hits it in the woods, out of the sight of other players, and moves the ball to a better spot, no one will ever know. So each player must decide in such situations whether to be a person of honor or not. The behavior that players follow regarding the rules will reflect what kind of persons they are. Whatever reputation one develops will quickly be known to all concerned.

ETIQUETTE

Golfing etiquette extends the player into the social world of other golfing companions, usually in a foursome, with all players struggling and equally stressed by this difficult game—all doomed to fall short of their golfing hopes and dreams. Despite this, they are expected to maintain a high level of courtesy and decorum at all times—often when they would rather let the beast in them rage when their game goes astray. Woe be it to the golfer who loses control or cheats on his companions. All will know that there’s a  long way to go for that  golfer to become a better person, and we will not be far off the mark if we conclude that similar behavior will likely follow in other areas of life when the “heat is on.” Conversely, the golfer who feels like berating an inept caddy or boorish partner, but restrains himself and does not do so publicly because of the code of etiquette, is resolving an internal struggle within, which strengths character. In effect, golfers will then have suffered, endured, and transcended the inner pain of their psychic worlds, making golf a game of personal self-improvement, giving it tremendous meaning to the player.

DIFFICULTY

The intrinsic difficulty of executing a good shot—where the clubface being open or closed just a few degrees at impact can cause a huge error down the fairway—making perfection impossible. That supreme technician, Ben Hogan, said that only one or two shots per round came off exactly as planned, making most golf shots near misses at best. Thus, it’s easy to see that we have a forceful dilemma: golf asks for a perfection which is not possible—but most golfers expect it of themselves anyway, guaranteeing ongoing frustration and anguish. This extreme difficulty of making excellent shots is a constant test of one’s inner strength, and golfers show this inner mettle to themselves and others by the way they handle the struggle. Players must deal with varying degrees of failure on every shot, struggling continuously. I recall a friend who complained vigorously after his first hole-in-one, “But I hit it on the toe of the club!” he yelled. Though the result of his swing was perfect, his swing was not, so he could not fully enjoy what he had accomplished. Then, years later, when we were playing together, he made his fourth hole-in-one, and was quite satisfied when he said, “I hit that one perfect!”

Though this is an unusual example, it shows that one can choose any attitude toward the game, and this is part of the challenge.

SUFFERING

As we have seen, golfers are going to suffer. They are playing a simple but exacting game, showing all how they function under stress. Golfers have to constantly test themselves against strict rules and behave in formal, prescribed manners. Under these conditions, a certain degree of mental anguish is inevitable.

In his book, Man’s Search For Meaning, psychiatrist, Viktor Frankl, asserts that we all have one ultimate freedom that cannot be taken away: to choose our attitude in any situation, no matter how desperate. The attitudes we choose while in our individual states of anguish with our golf games, will determine the degree of meaning the game has for us. Like few other sports, golf offers the player many situations in which to suffer—with total freedom to choose one’s attitude in response. It is this opportunity to succeed or fail in choosing the proper attitude in each challenging situation that makes the game so compelling. If golfers choose growth-promoting attitudes, and struggle with their shots as best as possible, and are able to “forgive” themselves for not being perfect, they will then judge themselves as responsible sports participants. This constant struggle to seek the proper attitude, while still enjoying the game, is what repeatedly pulls the golfers back to the course. Selecting a good, clear positive attitude helps one rise above the suffering and become a better golfer-person.

As a added bonus, this examination of suffering helps us to understand that particular form of stress seen in serious competitions with the pros and amateurs: the “yips.” For those familiar with certain psychological principles, the yips are seen as mild phobias, which are learned fear- responses to those situations it golf where failure was traumatic. Usually the yips occur because of missing too many shiort putts in serious competitions, when the golfer believes there’s no way one should miss such  putts. This pressure usually arises in individuals driven to perfection in their golf games, which, paradoxically, is the reason they tend to be golfers in the first place! These yips are nervous afflictions, which cause muscular twitches and spasms, rendering it difficult to deliver a smooth, accurate stroke on a short putt. Imagine the anguish and turmoil in those pro golfers who have allowed the yips to drive them from the tour. Tommy Armour has spoken of the terrors of short putts placing greater pressure on his nervous system than did the rigors of wartime combat. Moreover, what is not generally known, the immortal Bobby Jones quit serious tournament competition at age 28 because he became afflicted with the yips and other nervous afflictions related to golf. During the later years of his golfing life, Ben Hogan was a pitiful sight to his golfing competitors as he jabbed at short putts in competitive situations.

In his later golfing life, Sam Snead became afflicted with the yips, or at least his putting prowess tumbled into such despair that he began putting the ball from beneath his legs, croquet style. Later, that method was outlawed by the USGA, so he changed again and began putting “sidesaddle,” with the ball off to his right side while he faced the hole directly. This method worked for him, and he was able to play very good golf through his sixties. I have attended golf tournaments and looked Sam Snead in the eye, and was impressed with his determined look, yips or no yips! Snead was not going to let his nerves stop him. He accepted the challenge of the yips, changed his style of putting to one that made him more comfortable, thus rising above his old, dysfunctional style of putting. I have known many people like that, so never bet against them. If they can’t beat you they’ll probably outlast you!

As an aside, there is a therapeutic technique that can cure the yips and other phobias; it is called systematic desensitization, and is almost 100% effective. Counselors and psychologists are well versed in this process, and just a few sessions will do the job.

Therefore, the human growth that golf promotes by the individual handling suffering explains one of the challenges of golf. We now see why Ben Hogan climbed out of his near-deathbed just months after his terrible auto accident, and climbed his way back to the top of the tour in the Los  Angeles Open of 1950. He went on to even greater success the next few years, despite significant physical challenges.

Beginning golfers soon learn they will experience both joy and suffering in their golfing lives, but they also learn howkpoorly equipped that are able to handle this difficult game. So, they either cope with it or quit. Those who persist develop internal strengths that flow into all aspects of their lives.

SUMMARY

All non-golfers reading this are either yawning or are puzzled. Many may think I’m making a lot over very little, but my experience over 60 years of golfing has convinced me that those who enjoy the game the most are those who have dealt with these issues, placing their golfing lives into better perspective.

Happy golfing!

Joe Wilkins

Copyright © 2014

When people want to change their golf swing, they typically rehearse it a few times in their minds, take a few “new” practice swings, and then try to swat the ball with their new techniques. After completion of the new swing they will perceive that they have done what they intended. However, video analysis of such motions usually shows they have just repeated the old, dysfunctional swing. Apparently, the subconscious mind stays rigidly attached to the old swing—as opposed to what the new thought patterns are trying to achieve.

It is as if there are two parts to golf movements: 1) the original, much practiced, repetitious, enduring old swing, which has become a part of one’s current physical capabilities and comfort, as opposed to 2) the new swing that the mind is trying to get the muscles to perform. In addition, this new swing “thinking” seems to have power to deceive the participants, in that they will believe they have performed the new swing when careful observation shows they are still repeating the old one.

So, what is going on here?

It is apparent if a golfer wants to change a swing to one that is more proficient, one has to do more than just think about it, followed by just a few practice swings

The research on this—and observations of musicians, typists, trapeze artists, and golfers—among others–who have made constructive changes, shows that ten to twenty thousand correct repetitions are necessary to implement a new swing change, to the point that it becomes automatic, letting the natural flow of things happen. These many repetitions are essential before the new swing becomes imbedded in the subconscious, and no longer has to be thought about, with the actual number of  repetitions needed depending on the talent of the individual.  The goal is to free the conscious mind away from  swing mechanics while playing, allowing the golfers to focus on tempo, target, etc.

It is apparent that focusing on new swing changes while playing is distracting, and usually presents conflict between the old and the new, usually resulting in bad shots. New swing techniques have to be repeated until they are “grooved” so they can be performed during a round without thinking about them.

This author has been a victim of this “improvement ideology” for over 50 years. I always believed—and would actually feel– that I had performed a new swing when I thought about it, but objective analysis usually showed that I had repeated my old swing—but I was fooled into thinking I had performed the new one. During practice sessions, I could usually perform the new swing when it was possible to hit ball after ball in rapid succession, but the old swing was always trying to take its primary place. As I write this I am trying to use the touch system on my computer keyboard, where I don’t look at the keyboard, like all good typists are trained to do. But it is so slow, awkward, and mistake prone that I soon revert back to the typing system that I taught myself as a teenager—the two finger method, while looking at the keyboard. For me to learn the touch system would require me to engage in a formal course, with very rigid structure and many repetitions of correct practice; even then, I would not be as good as some high school typing student who had learned the proper way. Golf is like that too.

There are many learning, psychological principles that apply to this dilemma, but the two most important are proactive inhibition and retroactive inhibition. They demonstrate the difficulty of learning new golfing procedures.

Proactive inhibition shows that an old golf swing, with which we have played for years, gets in the way of learning a new swing. The original swing has established its place in our brain and muscles through years of use, and it very strongly resists allowing the new swing to establish itself without extensive constructive work and repetition. Consider the act of your individual walking style, which began its development when you were about one year old. How much work do you imagine it would take to develop a new manner of walking? Similarly, if a golfer is having difficulty in learning a new swing technique, it is because of the different habits that were learned it the past. However, if the new techniques to be learned are similar to the old ones, then the task of learning will be somewhat easier than if they were grossly different; the more different they are, the harder the task of learning the new ways.

Next, retroactive inhibition occurs when a golfer has taken a golf lesson to learn something new, but does not practice and rehearse the new technique soon thereafter, allowing too many other things to occur between the lesson and the following practice session, causing the new learning to fade away or be forgotten. Restated, the more competing events that occur between the lesson and the following practice, increases failure in ability to perform the new methods.

Now, this applies to all golfers in varying degrees. The more experienced the golfer is with various swing techniques, he will more easily implement the new swing changes. However, the task will still be difficult. For example, Lee Trevino originally had a hooking swing in his early years, which occasionally got him into trouble. Then, one day he was at Shady Oaks, watching Ben Hogan hitting those lovely fades,so he decided if it was good enough for Hogan he should develop a fade also. So Trevino spent the next year, hustling other golfers and working at his driving range, experimenting and developing that fading shot for which he became famous and successful. Trevino estimated that he had a golf club in his hands about 15 hours per day during this time of change, but at the end of the year, the change was fully implemented. The time of investment in these changes was over 5000 hours, and who knows how many repetitions.

So what does all this mean to you? It would seem that any golfer desiring to change should follow these procedures:

1) Team up with a professional golf teacher that you are comfortable with, and have him evaluate your swing and what needs to be done to accomplish your goals.

2) Take lessons on a regular basis and make any changes one at a time, followed by as much corrective practice as you can manage after each lesson. Do not introduce any other complicating items into your swing at this time.

3) If you play between lessons, keep any swing thoughts to your one new swing change. Continue this process of play and practice until your pro thinks you are ready to progress to the next needed change.

4) Though it will be difficult to do, and your handicap is likely to rise for a while, try to ignore your scores and your past golfing habits, focusing on your new goals and efforts.

5) If going to the driving range frequently is not practical, put up a hitting net in your back yard. Repeat your latest swing change several times without hitting a ball, then, before the feel goes away (usually within 7 to 10 seconds) go ahead and hit a ball using the swing change. Repeat until you begin to tire or lose concentration.

6) Repeat all of the above until the swing change is automatic, and then progress to the next change. The goal for each change is to make it automatic, whereby you no longer have to think about it.

7) Avoid other golfing instruction, such as Golf Channel tips, golfing magazines, golf videos, tips from friends, etc., that might prompt you to try other things. Any new material will conflict with your efforts and cause you to revert to the old dysfunctional ways. All instruction and evaluation should come from your pro and your own thinking processes. Discuss all factors with your pro as necessary.

8) As an added bonus, recent research has demonstrated that relaxing and imagining your new swing change during “quiet times” will help speed up the learning process. I have found that rehearsing the changes in my mind in bed before going to sleep (instead of counting sheep) is of great help.

Try all this. Good luck!

by Joe Wilkins

Copyright © 2014

Golfers have many ways of expressing themselves about their shotmaking during a round of golf. They typically make remarks about their playing companion’s efforts as well as themselves, usually in good, friendly spirits. These expressions encourage the joy and frustration of the game—which is why we play!

Enjoy and use the following during your times on the course.

1) “ A Bobby Darin,” or a “Splish Splash.” Either of these expressions is for any shot that goes into the water, suggested by Bobby’s hit song of the ‘60’s.

2) “A Gregory Peck,” or “On the Beach.” For any ball hit into a sand trap, suggested by the nuclear holocaust movie of the 60’s, starring Peck and Ava Gardner. Lady golfers are free to call such shots an “Ava” if they so desire.

3) “Callaway Went Thataway.” This expression is suitable for all golfers using Callaway golf balls when they hit their ball in the woods, out of bounds, or any other undesirable place. This expression comes from the title of the movie of 1951, staring Fred McMurray and Howard Keel.

4) “A Clint Eastwood,” or a “Rawhide.” This is generally suitable for any putt that rolls too far past the hole. It is usually accompanied by the golfer either humming or singing softly to the theme of the 60’s TV show “Rawhide,” starring Clint Eastwood: “Rolling, rolling, rolling. Watch that golf ball rolling. Stop your maddening rolling—Rawhide! As golfers we are tightening, when the greens are like lightning. Will the greenskeeper soon be by our side? Don’t try to understand them, especially when they sand them. And always keep your putter by your side. Line ‘em up, putt ‘em out, give a shout—Rawhide!” If you can’t remember this whole ditty, then the first three words are sufficient.

5) “ A Roland Young,” or a “Topper.” This is for any grossly topped shot that pounds into the earth. Named after the title character in the movie “Topper,” 1937.

6) “An Arbuckle.” For any shot hit fat. Named after the fat character actor, Fatty Arbuckle, in early Hollywood.

7) “ An Arnold Palmer.” For any shot resulting in a huge, wet divot. Palmer was famous for divots that had to replaced using a shovel and wheelbarrow. (Just kidding!) Ladies will seldom use this term, because such divots are usually produced by marginally talented, macho, male golfers who insist on playing from the championship tees, but with less than Arnold Palmer results!

8) “ A Captain Hook.” For any severely hooked shot. Especially useful at seaside courses when the ball is hooked into the ocean.

9) “ A Hurricane.” Especially appropriate when the golfer swings extra hard and misses the ball entirely, creating a breeze on the tee. A loud whoosh is accepted if a breeze is not felt.

10) “You hit the big ball first!” Referring to your opponent hitting the planet Earth before hitting the ball. This can be used instead of “An Arbuckle,” if you do not wish to offend your companion because of his or her girth.

11) “I’m glad that ball was painted!” This is used when the ball is barely skimmed when struck, resulting in a shot that is only slightly better than a vigorously topped one.

12) “Not enough bacon in that sandwich!” or “Not enough meat on that bone!” or “Needed one more spoon of oatmeal!” These phrases are appropriate for putts that are agonizingly just short of going in the hole.

13) “Need to switch to decaf!” For a putt that is yipped, jerkily stroked, or blasted past the hole.

14) “A Shirley Temple.” For a putt that is too delicately stroked and is very short of the hole. Especially appropriate for women golfers.

15)” A bacon strip.” A description for a well struck ball from the turf, with minimal or no divot. Jack Nicklaus was famous for these.

16) “ A Jeff Chandler or a Rod Steiger.” Named after two actors who were notorious for overacting. They can be used to describe the behavior of golfers who overly emote after hitting a bad shot.

17) “ Diversity Man (or Woman).” Used to describe the golfer who is continually changing his swing, seeking the holy grail of golf, namely par. After a while, the continuous changing often becomes an obsession. Since there are millions of golf swing variables that can be used, these golfers need our prayers for a task that will never be completed.

18) “Regurgitation Man (or Woman).” This accurately describes those golfers who recount every shot of their just completed round to all who will listen. Their diatribes usually occur on the 19^th hole. These folks have excellent memories for things that do not matter, but will probably forget your name or to pay the bar tab.

19) “ Fruit of the Doom.” A sliced or banana ball, the bane of most golfers.

20) “That ball ran over the cellophane bridge!” For a ball that rolls over the cup, when the golfer can see no reason why it shouldn’t have gone in.

21) “Going squirrel hunting?” To be asked of your partner when he hits one into the trees.

22) “A Martin.” For a putt that’s very short of the hole. Named after the Saturday Night Live actor, Martin Short, whose last name accurately describes his height.

23) “A Humperdinck.” For a description of the golfer who freezes and does not release his hands properly at impact, resulting in a shot that goes way right (or left for southpaws). Named in honor of Ingelbert’s popular song, “Release Me,” the first line of which is “Please release me, let me go…”

In conclusion, you golfers out there have heard many other expressions appropriate to this game we all love. Creative use of them—and in good spirits—makes this game even more enjoyable.