Joe Wilkins, Copyright © 2014

Once there were two international chess masters who challenged each other to an all or nothing chess match, with $100,000 going to the winner. Like most chess masters they were big classical music fans, so they agreed to have music playing while they competed.

After much discussion, they agreed to hire a lyre musician to strum some soothing chords while they competed. However, after an extensive search they could find no lyre musicians. They soon realized that the lyre was an ancient instrument, not much in use in these modern days. But they noted that the lyre was similar to the modern harp, though somewhat smaller. After much discussion, they agreed to hire a harp musician, since the two instruments were somewhat similar. Thus, the harpist was hired in substitution.

On the appointed day, they began their match before a small, elite group of chess aficionados, with all listen to the soothing strains of the beautiful, harp music. Midway through the match, the two competitors were so impressed with the harpist’s playing, that they stopped their match and asked the audience to give the harpist a modest round of appreciative applause.

An observer in the audience noticed how much the chess competitors were enamored with the harpist. He quietly whispered to his companion, “How wonderful, chess nuts boasting over a token lyre!”

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MY READERS

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS?

Author: I. M. Anonymous

12 /14/2014        My Dearest Love:  How can I ever express my undying love in reciprocation for your exquisite gift on this our first Christmas apart. You have surpassed the gift of Life itself with the unique selection of the most unusual expression of our mutual love: a partridge in a pear tree!

12/15/2014         My Dearest:  You are simply too much! I can hardly believe my good fortune in having such a thoughtful spouse. Imagine—two turtle doves! They compliment the partridge so well.

12/16/2014         Dearest:  Ah, how beautiful. Three French hens. What can I say? They are exquisite and beautiful. The neighborhood children love them, but they have to be aware of the cats.

12/17/2014         Lover:  Thanks for the four calling birds. Imagine my surprise when I arrived home and saw them on the doorstep. You’re too sweet—really! I spent the whole night building cages for all these birds in the backyard… Gotta get some sleep.

12/18/2015         Honey:  Wow! Five gold rings! Now you’re getting with it; a great change of pace. To be perfectly honest, I was afraid the postman would be bringing another package with air holes in it. Ha! Ha! Anyhow, the gold rings are very nice and will come in quite handy should gold continue to rise in value and I have to visit the pawnshop after our usual Christmas spending splurge.

12/19/2014         Dear Mabel:  Honey, I know you mean well—and don’t think I don’t appreciate you thinking of me through this gift-giving—but what’s with these six geese a-laying! Babe, we don’t need anymore eggs! And the geese won’t fit in the cages I built for the other birds, so they’re strutting all around the house, messing and laying more eggs everywhere. By the way, one took a swim in the toilet, got stuck, and the kids tried to get him out by flushing the toilet, which clogged it up, so I had to call a plumber in the middle of the night. He said he’d give me a Christmas discount, so his services only cost $999.99. Also, the neighbors are starting to complain about all the bird noise. The animal control people have been by twice and gave me a warning ticket.

12/20/2014         Mabel:  Enough already! Seven swans a-swimming? I haven’t gotten the other birds’ situation resolved and in come these huge, nasty birds. Do you expect me to build a pond for them out back? Meanwhile they’re in the house, fighting with the geese, and there’s feathers and bird poop all over the place. Any more birds and you and I have had it!

12/21/2014         Ah Love: Thanks until the end of time for stopping the birds! I couldn’t have taken it any more. Now, the eight maids a-milking are very nice—and very pretty too. And one keeps making passes at me, and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to remember my marriage vows. I keep thinking about harems.  But pray tell, dear love of mine, where do I keep all those milk cows? I’ve got two in the front yard and six in the back. I tried to sell them first, but couldn’t find a buyer. Then I tried to give them away, but who wants a cow? Finally, I had to have our property fenced in at a cost of $12,398.99. The health department called and said they’d be here tomorrow.

12/22/2014         Woman:  Nine ladies dancing? Nice idea—if you own a dance studio. Where, pray tell, can they dance around here without stepping in something. Of, course, they all needed dance partners, a dance hall, and a band for music, at $1500.00 per night. Babe, I’m beginning to doubt if you really love me after all.

12/23/2014         Dear Hopeless Stranger:  I can’t believe it! Ten lords a-leaping! What’s wrong with you? Why didn’t you send them with the nine ladies a-dancing yesterday, before I shelled out all that dough for escorts and the band? They all refused to stay in this messy house, so I had to put them up in the Ritz Carlton. And believe me, I’m not sure about those lords a-leaping. What kind of guys are they, anyway? What’s going on in that brain of yours? Have you become a man-hater? Do you hate me? If so, the feeling is mutual. Things got so out of control around here I had to call the vice squad, and they finally hauled them all off to the funny farm. I had to do some powerful talking to keep them from taking me too.

12/24/2014         Alien Woman: It’s Christman Eve, a time for serenity and reflection, and what do I get today: eleven, loud pipers piping. Not one Christmas Carol did they play—only Amazing Grace, over and over and over again! I finally got so exhausted with them that I filled all their fifes up with soapy water when they were on break, and you should have seen all the bubbles. It looked like Lawrence Welk’s bubble machine was out of control!

12/25/2014         Dear Ex-Wife:  Finally, it’s over! With the twelve drummers drumming, in concert with the pipers piping, I could take it no more. You’ll receive the divorce papers soon. My lawyer says I have a foolproof case: I’ll keep the kids, and you’ll get the house and all this menagerie you’ve sent me. The only thing further I have to say is, “Sorry, Jesus…”

(This pun will not likely be understood by anyone who does not remember popular music of the 1940’s. Enjoy it if you can.)

On a small farm in Florida, there lived two very old people: a husband and wife, named Leroy and Mabel Kittle. What was amazing about them was that they were 115 and 112 years old respectively. In addition, they were both in perfect health, and did all the physical labor on their farm by themselves. It seemed they had found the “Fountain of Youth.”

It wasn’t long before a reporter from Fox News heard about them, and he decided to travel down to their farm for an interview, in hopes of discovering their secret for longevity. When the reporter arrived at the farm he saw the elderly couple in their garden, hoeing and weeding during the hottest part of the summer day. He also noticed three female horses and six female deer, together in a corral nearby. Next to them, in an adjacent pen, were several young sheep. That was an odd combination of animals, he thought.

He approached the Kittles and introduced himself, saying he had heard about their age and good health, and wondered if they would share their secret with his TV audience.

Needless to say, the Kittles were pleased that he was taking an interest in them, and they were excited about the prospect of being on national TV.

After a pleasant conversation, the reported asked, “Mr. and Mrs. Kittle, I know our audience would love to learn just what it is that you do to prolong your lives and to remain in such excellent health. Will your share your secret with us?”

Mr. Kittle smiled and said, ” Why, of course we will young man. What we have discovered will be of benefit to all mankind.”

“Well, please tell me the secret,” the reporter implored.

Mr. Kittle looked at his smiling wife, and then said, “See those mares over there in the corral with the does. The youngest one is forty-five years old! And those lambs in the pen are all over thirty-five years old. Every one of those animals is twice as old as the average. Quite a feat, don’t you think?”

“Yes, yes!” the now excited reporter exulted. “But how have you done it?”

Mr. Kittle winked knowingly at his wife, and then answered, pointing to a field of grain next to the farm. “See that field of oats over there. It’s a special variety we discovered on a trip to India years ago. Well, we brought it back, planted it, and started feeding it to the horses and deer. Later we noticed the mares and does started living much longer than normal. And see all that ivy growing up the trunks of all our trees here. That’s a variety of ivy we discovered in Tibet. We brought it back and planted it because it’s so pretty. Well, the sheep started eating it, and danged if they didn’t start living longer too. Well, me and Mrs. kittle can put two and two together, so we started eating the oats everyday for breakfast, and had the ivy in our salads each day at suppertime. And it worked for us as well as the animals.”

The reported was flabbergasted. “You mean to tell me that eating those oats and that ivy is the reason you and your wife are living so long and are in such good health. that’s hard to believe!”

Mr. Kittle cocked his head, looked at the reporter knowingly, and sang, “Mares eat oats and does eat oats, and little lambs eat ivy. The Kittles eat ivy too, shouldn’t you!”

(Ouch!)